Sitting in the Suck
Over the past few years I've been able to begin to understand what we know as Christian culture. Recently, this understanding has brought me to the realization that we tend to be scared of a certain three word phrase:
I'm struggling with...
This phrase tends to difficult to answer because as Christians we're too proud, too worried about our appearance, too concerned that someone might think we're not perfect. We all struggle daily, yet few are willing to admit that simple fact.
So tonight, I admit it. I'm struggling with something. In fact, I struggle with it daily. Sometimes hourly. I struggle so bad that I end up on my face begging for God to help me and take this from me.
I'm struggling with missing my mom.
As many of you know, my mom started getting early onset dementia about 10 years ago. At first many people thought she was on drugs. As the disease progressed and started to consume more and more of her brain she became unrecognizable. She wasn't my mom anymore, she was gone, her soul was gone, yet her body remained. Today her body still does remain. She lives out her days in a safe mental facility where she is cared for until heaven is home.
And because I trust God and know that His ways are good, I know that my mom has to go through this, my family has to go through this. For some reason that I do not know, we have to continue our lives and continue to miss her dearly.
Yet, like some sort of bad Christian, I struggle and hurt daily. I break down and sob for hours at the thought that I won't ever get to hug her again. I write her letters she will never receive. I stare at pictures of her, hoping that I can sift through all the bad memories and somehow find a good one.
And each time I come to the conclusion... the conclusion that it sucks.
It sucks that I won't ever get to hug my mom again.
It sucks that she won't be at my sister's wedding next month.
It sucks that dementia tore my family apart.
It sucks that today was Mother's Day and I couldn't tell her how much I love her.
It sucks that my birthday was yesterday and all I wanted to do was be with her.
It sucks. But sometimes you have to sit in the suck. You just have to feel the pain and be okay with that. Sometimes God has you in that place so that you can sit there and feel it. All of it. Sometimes you have to sit there and cry. Sometimes you have to beg God to help you in that place. Sometimes you hear nothing and you cry even harder. Sometimes you just have to sit in the suck and feel the weight of your heavy heart.
And so this month, this month that includes my birthday, Mother's Day, and my mom's birthday, I will sit in the suck. All month long I will feel the depth of how much I miss her. I will sit here and feel what I need to feel. I will fight to sit in the suck and experience this pain in its fullest.
Want to know what God says about sitting in the suck? Go here.