Why I Went Silent
It turns out that it's not easy to hide in today's world.
It's incredibly difficult to go from plugged in on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat, answering emails, phone calls, voicemails, and messages to disengaged and seeking solace within the deepest places of the soul. What's even worse is the guilt I feel when I unplug. It's a sense of responsibility in the most unhealthy of ways. I have a responsibility to check Facebook, reply to messages, check voicemails, snap back--or at least that's what I've become accustom to. We're all well aware that it's not healthy and I could go on for the next hour typing the ways in which it has impacted the way we function. However, that's not why I'm writing this post.
I'm writing because in July God was telling me that my life would be much different this year. He was ushering me out of the ministry that I was in, FCAV, and into a very scary new career path. Coming off of an emotionally and spiritually exhausting summer leading five amazing chicks, I didn't want to fathom entering the biggest challenge of my life.
Feeling as if I was the worst Christian to ever exist, I heard a sermon on Jonah. Turns out when we were learning about that hero in Sunday school, the only part I retained was that God liked him a whole lot and then God saved him from a whale. Boy, was I misunderstanding and keeping the story PG.
Sometimes I read the Bible like I would read an instruction booklet from Ikea. Other times, I realize that the greatest heroes that ever existed are actually just as broken as I am. I can confidently say that I don't feel like I'm equipped or confident enough to be going after what I believe God has called me to, but I can tell you that I'm going after it. Every day I'm doing all I can to remain faithful in my pursuit of what He called me to.
Instead of running to Tarshish, I went silent. I over-spiritualized this time as "processing" or "seeking the Lord" when in all reality, I was hiding because I was scared. I was frightened that I might have to change my life to follow God's calling. Turns out that the guilt I felt by unplugging was because I tried to flee. I let a few people into my broken spirit, but I tried to hide in a world of friends and family who wouldn't let me--Praise God for you!
Now it's time to publicly run after God's calling on my life and possibly fail trying, knowing that nothing is more worthy of pursuit than the Lord I love.